I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
