i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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