if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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