I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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