we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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