He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
