I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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