I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
