my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
