I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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