You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
