I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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