man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
