My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
