Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
