If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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