Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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