chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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