i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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