I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
worst night to have a conscience
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
