Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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