Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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