tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
