i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
