You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
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