If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We are two peas in an std pod
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
