Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We're too hungover to prance.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
