I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
