Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
