Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
