come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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