textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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