guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
