I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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