I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
