he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sober January is a disaster.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
