u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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