hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
