I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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