...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
