Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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