Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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