Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
