im six kinds of drunk right now
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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