Moan for me like Helen Keller
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
