my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
