remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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