her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
