so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
