i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
