I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
