I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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