I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Shame is for Republicans.
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