you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
