I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
